Been There...

has passed and I'm out the other side. yeah, I still think of Patty every day, but there are now large gaps of time when I don't, and when I do, I'm not dwelling. I am feeling good in my own skin again. Sure, there are times I do still miss her and wish things could have been different. I will always love her and yup, I'd give it another chance, given the opportunity. But, I have learned alot. I have learned that relationships don't just happen overnight. There are stages and she and I skipped right over them. We never had a friendship. We jumped right to intimacy. No judgement, I cherish what we had and how it felt - and, next time, I want all that AND the friendship-take-your-time-get-to-know-you stuff. I hope she manages to find her happiness. As my therapist pointed out, Patty wanted to be on her own so she could do some work, go to therapy, find some answers, and make the whole year be all about her - and the reality is I am the one that did all that. She filled her life with activities, and people - all she does is avoid what is unpleasant and go for the next shiny thing. Yet whenever I talk to her, she is stressed out, or exhausted. There is always something.
I hope that with the awarenesses I have now of the need to take care of myself that I won't lose sight of that the next time I fall for someone.
I am ready to venture out there again and date and have some fun!!

I hate hearing sirens outside as I sit warn and safe in my apartment. (I live near a big firestation). It's Feb 14, aka Valentines Day, and the state of NH is having it's very first snowstorm of the season...wow...people freakin' battened down the hatches! Normally, the city of Manchester is the LAST to ever cancel school...they cancelled school last NIGHT! We haven't even gotten close to an inch, and any other year those school buses woulda been a-rollin'. I worked from home today - I am blessed that I can do that. I may do it again tomorrow.

So yah, it's Valentines day...I am still single and I am in a good place! Very different from a year ago. Former wife/love of my life is off and running with someone new. I am not. I need time to process...but...I do have a new crush...and I did (hopefully) make someone smile on Valentines day...can't say more than that at this time though...

Heading up to Maine this weekend to hang with the fam and I can't WAIT!!!

yup...it's January 6th and I have a sunburnt face...I have NEVER felt post-beach face in January in my LIFE! This afternoon it was 68 sunny degrees at North Hampton beach. I was out in a t-shirt, jeans, and Tevas, although the Tevas were ditched in favor of bare feet once I hit the sand. I brought Rusty with me knowing there would be tons of dogs there and he had a blast! It felt more like the week after Labor Day than the week after New Year. LOVED IT!! And, it was a blast driving the new car. Don't know if I have mentioned it but I bought a 2007 Ford Focus SES hatchback with lots of great options and I absolutely LOVE IT!!

Never done a poll before. I want to change my e-mail address, racingspirit just doesn't do it for me anymore. MRiley is taken, as is anything remotely like melissariley or melissa_riley. Choose one from the list of create a new one!

Poll #900010 New e-mail address
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 4

What should my new e-mail address be @comcast.net?

I have a better idea...

haven't seen her since October 14. Haven't talked to her since November 11. She will be here in about 10 minutes. Please let it be peaceful and fun and not awkward. I have no expectations. I have let her go. I am afraid it will stir up painful feelings. I hope it goes well. I hope we can be friends. Breathe.

I just found this new channel on my cable called current_. Their website is current.tv . It's like a blog on TV. Even the "ads" are created by people like me and you. Check it out! On Comcast in NH it is channel 254. For instance, I just learned that NH is the third healthisest State. Number 2 is Vermont and number 1 is Minnesota. In case you were wondering.

Ended up not going to the movies today with date girl. The movie we wanted to see (Running With Scissors) is not playing around here anymore. I was totally in pj mode today and all I have done is knit and watch tv. I did take like a 30 min walk with the boy, today was sooooo nice!!! I am almost done with a new pair of mittens. Getting ready to saute some tofu for dinner and make a curry.

Test driving a Nissan Versa tomorrow night. I'm in that place where the current car is almost paid off (like 6 months from now) but I know it will easily need $1000 to pass inspection this month, more if I want to like totally overhaul it and keep it for a few years. The thought of no car payment for a year or 2 is very attractive. The thought of driving a brand new car and having no worries for a few years is also attractive.

ok, i know many of you are on the edge of your seats tonight waiting for the juicy details...
it was fun!!! I ended up meeting her at the local gay bar and we had a most excellent time. She is really nice. I so thought that I would not be her type because she is all about working out and is really fit, the exact opposite of my...but, I did get a kiss goodnight in the parking lot and she asked me if I wanted to catch a movie tomorrow. I am flattered!! The downside? She smokes. But, I can handle a friend who smokes, and as I said to her, as long as you don't smoke in my house or my car. So yay, I went out on my first post-breakup date and it was fun and I didn't even *think* about Patty, and some of my friends were there too and yeah, I giggled to myself the whole way home "ha ha, yeah, I had a date tonight." :o)

I have a *date* tomorrow night! Um, I was thinking I was just meeting someone new who I've been e-mailing with the last few weeks as a possible friend, but when I talked to her tonight she said the *d* word. Shit! I don't think I want to go out on a date...but I guess what the hell??

Treated myself to a couple of bath bombs and some dusting powder from Lush. They have a store in Harvard Sq which is about a 10 minute walk from my kid's dorm. I have decided from now on whenever I pick her up or drop her off, I am treating myself to something from Lush. If anyone is looking for me later, I will be soaking in my beautiful claw foot tub.

Quiet day here. It doesn't feel like Thanksgiving, since I am making the traditional dinner tomorrow. My brother has to work tomorrow morning, and if we had it today, he would have had to go home...so since I selfishly want him and my nephew to hang around a day or 2 (plus it's not Thanksgiving if you eat a big meal and have to get in the car and drive 2 hours). I held off getting any of my groceries (except for the turkey) until today. I couldn't believe the store I shop at was going to be open 7 - 3 today! I got there around 9:45 and my worst fears were unfounded. There was plenty of everything to be had (except pie crust, I got the LAST box) and it wasn't crowded at all. $250.00 later! Oh my god, that is like my whole food budget for the month! lol. Oh well. I bought other stuff too besides thanksgiving fixins. I have a cheesecake in the oven now. Then I will make a pumpkin pie, and a chocolate pie for the kids (wicked easy - I buy an Oreo pie crust already in the pan. 2 boxes of instant pudding and pie filling. Pour that in the pie crust. Chill. Apply Cool Whip. Done!). It is a tradition I started when nephew was a little boy, because it was something easy he could make with me! My brother's wife moved out last weekend. They are divorcing, and she is so messed up right now that I can't even feel angry at her for what she is doing. I am worried about her. I am worried about nephew. Brother will be fine, he is in a good place. I am THANKFUL to have him in my life. Me, him, and are kids are all there is of our blood family. Oh, an uncle on the west coast we hear from like once a year, and a few cousins we never hear from. I used to envy people with big families, but I have to say, there is just as much love in this little family of mine. He and I "get" each other. I can tell him something about how I experience life, or myself, and he will say "me too" in that tone of voice that says "wow, I thought I Was the only one who felt like that". We are very affirming of each other. And we have so much FUN!! Oh my, we LAUGH and make fun of each other and anyone around us can't help but get caught up in our laughter. It's good that we can laugh about our past. We both had miserable childhoods. We are 9 years apart. He did the first 9 years on his own, then I came along. He had to pretty much take care of me. Then, he left home when I was 7, and I had to deal with the family dysfunction on my own. But, he was always there for me, just a phone call away.

I am also thankful for the last 3 Thanksgivings that I got to spend tucked away up in the mountains with Patty. They were magical. Well, last year was tough. Not going there. Funny, the whole time I was there I thought, this is the last time we are ever going to be here together. This year, I have no idea what she is doing. We have not been in touch at all, she asked for space, and the last time I called her she was pissed that I did, so...I hope she is happy, whatever she is doing.

I hope all my friends here are safe and warm and happy and eating lots of turkey!!!

I'm having thanksgiving dinner at my house, on the day after (it just worked out better that way). On my way home tonight, I went to the grocery store to get a few things and decided to check out the turkeys. They had some frozen turkeys on sale for .49/lb. I was trying to find one around 18 lbs, couldn't, and decided to go back tomorrow. As I was wandering back to the dairy aisle, I came upon the fresh turkeys. They were on sale for $1.69/lb. But, I noticed that a 19 lb turkey, was only $13.something. Hmmm... Upon closer inspection, I discovered a "bank error in your favor" - someone had priced the fresh turkeys at .69/lb. I felt guilty enough that I almost called the store after I left to tell them of their error. But then I realized it wasn't fair for me to realize and take advantage, and not let others have the chance. I do feel a little guilty. But, I have donated generously to the food bank this month and I could certainly use the discount.

It's almost 9pm in New Hampshire on November 16th and it is 66 degrees according to my weather bug!! I am loving all the warm weather we have been having. It could snow in a week. Gotta love New England. I have been realizing that I don't have to stay in New Hampshire if I don't want to. I am free. Oh, daughter freaks out when I mention it, and of course I don't have any idea where I would want to go, but it is nice to know I can explore that option!

So, I went to this 12-step meeting tonight for the first time in 15 years. 12-step was where I first started changing my life, and discovered my spiritual side...but after a few years I moved on. I think it is a terrific program, and I'm glad it exists, but I'm not really all that into it. So anyway, in the spirit of paying attention to guidance from the sources I have been requesting it from, I went to this meeting tonight. It was a women's only meeting. So, I sat there, w ondering why in the world I was there, and in walks someone I know...and it all made sense. S is someone I have known for years, she is a sweet, sweet person, and she had left her partner and moved back to CA and I never got a chance to say bye to her. Well, she is back, and they are trying to make it work and she has been in this program for a year and she looks terrific...and I know we were supposed to meet and support each other at this time. Wow. I'm so glad I paid attention and went along with going tonight...

Last night I went to the money worries place as I was trying to fall asleep. Once I finally did fall though, I slept soundly and peacefully. I did call in the angels last night to work with me and anyone else they saw fit. This morning I turned my life over for higher purposes today. Why did I ever stray away from this path? I always do though when things are going well. Why didn't me and Patty ever talk about this stuff other than in the beginning? We talked, but we didn't back up our words with action.

I know that my tendency is in a relationship to stop caring for myself. Right now I do need to focus on me and on allowing my life to move on and unfold. I have been stuck in a holding pattern of my own creation, out of fear of change. Transformation IS change. So, it makes sense that since I say I don't like change, I hold myself back. I surrender my fear of change to the universe. Everything changes. Change is good. I need to embrace change and make change my friend. Let go of fears.

I have not posted her publicly in such a long time! I post privately nearly every day, it is how I process things, and I just have not wanted to share it, because I find it easier not to censor myself.

So...I just got done being in my first play at the Palace Theater - I was pick-a-little lady in Music Man and it was SUCH a great experience!! Definitely more theater in my future.

Things at work are going well. I got promoted and am working in QA now as a software analyst and I love it! It keeps my brain occupied all day and the people are terrific.

The personal life is coming along. Summer had it's ups and downs. I feel like I did alot of work on myself and I'm coming out on the other side finally. Recently, I had a talk with Patty, and she confirmed what I have known on some level for a couple of months, but have not been ready to hear. We are done. She no longer has romantic feelings for me and she was surprised that I would think otherwise. Well, considering the last time we talked about it was in July, and at that point you said you just didn't know what you wanted, you needed to figure things out, and you knew at that time I was holding out some hope, and I told her that I needed to hear it from her if she got to that place where she knew, one way or the other. Well, Friday I finally screwed up my nerve and called her and, not only is she over me, but there is someone else already! So much for needing space and not wanting to be in a relationship!

Anyway...I am in a surpisingly good space with it, and I realize that I deserve better than what she had to offer. I deserve to be with someone who will respect the fact that I get emotional and am sensitive, despite the tough outer shell, and will allow me to be me. I feel free. Wow. And, it's still very sad to me because I do love her, and I really thought she was "the one". I guess you can think that all you want in the beginning, but until you find out about the human-ness of each other, and whether or not you have the tools, or the willingness to work with that, you can't say forever.

I am hurt that she said she needed space back in December, that she needed this year to be all about her, but she is off and running with someone new.

And, I am ready to welcome love back into my life. I'm ready to move on.

Had a nice afternoon with my daughter today. I am so proud of her! She had to deal with a bad situation in her dorm last week, some girl drank so much she nearly had alcohol poisining, and they called C to help out because she was the only sober one! Yikes! She is struggling with the whole drinking thing, she just doesn't get it. And, the girls she helped out? They didn't even thank her the next day!

hoooooooooooot. Second floor apartments and heat do not mix well. I have the living room blocked off with an air conditioner running, but i was out of town for a couple of days and so far the room has only cooled down to 82. I probably won't be able to sleep in my room tonight, or tomorrow night. Got back from Maine today, spent a couple of days on this island about 30 min ferry ride from Portland. My brother was renting a house there, his soon-to-be ex-wife's family has like a family compound of camps there, and he rented one. He's got it un til tomorrow, ex will have it the rest of the week. Was nice to spend time with him, but was nice to go away and have a break from everything. Brought Rusty with me and he did great! Rode the ferry like it was nothin'. Back to work tomorrow, not much else happening this week or this weekend. Maybe the beach. I am bored and I need to find things to do and people to do them with.

I'm not happy. Haven't been for a long time, before the break-up even. Guess I have to accept this and I know I have tried to ignore it. But I am not happy. Oh sure, I have moments of happiness and there are things that do make me happy. But on so many levels I am just not happy. I am not depressed. That is very different. I just feel like my spark is gone. I don't know how to get it back. I feel disillusioned about alot of things and I'm trying to stay positive and focused. I'm not complaining and I'm not looking for anyone to say anything. I just find that I need to own this. I'm not happy. I just have to be in that for however long it is, and then hopefully I will get my spark back. It's been an emotional year full of alot of change, and I think what I feel is normal. I haven't been truly happy...well, I'm not sure for how long, but it's been a couple of years at least.

Just came in from watching the city fireworks. I'm lucky in that we just walked a block up hill with our chairs and had a great view! While it is nice to be "right there", it sure is nice not to have to be in a crowd and just walk home 5 minutes later.

The apartment is sooooooo hot. Got an air conditioner in tonight but it's not doing anything, and stupid me turned the oven on to make pizza and it's STILL stifling in the kitchen. Finally shut off the a/c and have the fan in the kitchen blowing the hot air out.

Been to the beach twice so far this weekend and I have some good color. Haven't done all that much this weekend and of course now that there is just one day off left, I'm wishing I had done more.

My daughter is hanging out too, and she hasn't had much to do and seems like she is in a mood, so that hasn't been alot of fun.

Saw P on Saturday, we went to the beach and picked up the girls from the ferry. Had a nice lunch out with them too. We got together again on Saturday night and I made us dinner at her place and hung out, that was nice. It's hard too though, because it makes me want to be back there. Gotta find that balance again.

Not much planned for tomorrow. Going to a friends house in the morning to fix their computer, then who knows. P was asking me what I had planned, I said I was playing it by ear. She said the same. So, who knows if I will see her or not. You know, I do love spending time with her, but I don't want to plan my life around it. I want to have some friends to do stuff with. I'm tempted to try out for a play next weekend but I hesitate to fill up my time. It's been hard lately though, I don't like being alone, I'm feeling lonely. And...it's a time of transition. I have been through so much emotionally this year, and I'm just finally coming down from that, so I need to go easy on myself.

Sigh...it's gonna be a loud night in the city tonight...maybe I will light my torches and go sit outside.

Wow...time to land. I feel like I have been tossed up in the air...ok, maybe not ME specifially, but my life, and I am landing and not sure what surface I want to touch down on. So much is swirling around in my head and I am trying to just let it all go and enjoy my summer and not try to figure anything else out!! And, there is this voice inside of me that is just bursting, hopping up and down on a pogo stick shouting to me "do something". Get out of this town. Go to New Mexico, Go to Sedona, go stay in San Diego for a month and work from there and figure out what you want. And...I know what I want. I want to stay. But my tendency is to seek the geographical cure. I want answers today that I can't have.
Anyway...I am still processing graduation and I am still processing the break up and I just need NO MORE CHANGE for the next bit of time so I can even out.

Work...I don't want to do it anymore, I don't want to speak to idiots on the phone dayafterdayafterday. Time for some change. Trying to focus my energy there instead of on other things.

One month from tomorrow I will be in the presence of inspiration. Melissa Etheridge. If I can just let EVERYTHING go until the, things will shift because she inspires me.